Lost souls

Today I lost a baby chick. We've lost two since hatch day. They were buried under beautiful trees. I have named them for their respective trees; Maple and Cherry Blossom. It pangs my heart. My loss today was cherry blossom and to be honest I may have ended up calling the little baby "Bambi" but we never made it there. My sweet cheep drown in a water trough. I blame myself completely. We are new to chickens and someone who has chickens set this system up for them. I now know about nipple drippers. So I hate myself that I have watched videos before and yet someone missed the way they provided water for their flock. Cherry Blossom was so sweet and curious. She would come the closest, despite her smaller stature from her siblings. I had just spent time watching her and the others. Trying to get them to come closer and favor me. So brave she was to come so close. 

Sometimes I would go into the coup. After watching for a while, staying still, I would count the chicks, just because. And when I was missing one, she was always closer to me, seperate and out of view of her mates. Just watching me. I lost my baby chick and my soul hurts with her tragic accidental death. How awful for her to have died in such a way. How terrified she must have been and I wasn't there to help her. I usually go out in the coup frequently when home but the weather was rainy and I failed to make my usual visits and checks. 

So I lost my baby chick. And she was so beautiful. Both lost lives were the more unique looking babies. And now I have lost them. 

My heart aches for their short lives. Maple was less than a week old. Sweet maple had problems early and was terribly tiny at a day old. Cherry Blossom was just starting her young life and was finally branching out from her mother. Her sweet soul was returned to the heavens. My heart aches for her terrible death and the loss of life that could have been prevented. Prevented by me. 

Beautiful Sad Day

I come to the screen with an aching heart over so much and so little.
It's confusing but when I get sensitive about something, it all seems to cave in around me and everything starts to cause my heart to get heavier. It started with newsfeed. Oh yes. It did. But it continued with more stories of the celebrity that overdosed. Sad indeed. I did think he was gifted and unique. Then to multiple stories of animals being discarded and how they react. Animals know when bad things happen. They aren't "just a dog" or "Just a cat". They know when life and death is among them and they respond as such. It's utterly heart-breaking what media has brought light onto in animal treatment for me. But these were all just the extra straws thrown on top of the camel after the back was broken. No, no what all this is really about is my newsfeed.

It started with a terribly odd post on my facebook feed that was discrete enough that I was confused about and it seemed to indicate that someone that I went to high school with, that I really didn't fully know was no longer with us. However, I tried to find some other evidence of this but failed to confirm. I shrugged it off. I hoped that it was wrong. It couldn't be. This 'stranger' was not a stranger. She was my facebook friend. Right? We had spoken now and again. We almost met up once, before she moved. And we had common interests, wrote on each other's posts sometimes, or liked something each other had shared. So there is our connection. Probably one of the few people I had associated with since high school and yet, we had never really conversed much in high school. No surprise. Big school. Different interests at the time. I actually knew her sister more.... but not by much. And yet we were and we are connected. And we aren't. It's a strange world we live in with electronic relationships.

But no, I was wrong. She had gone. She left this world and left her family behind and her life is gone. For all intensive purposes, she is living the dream. Married since high school, looked amazing in all her pictures, very happy, having fun, enjoying life. If I wanted to actually evaluate her life based on her facebook, I would have been jealous. Living it up and in love with herself, her life, her family, husband, and the direction her life was taking her. She had wonderful style, living in California. Man can I go there? Can I trade places? Oh but wait, she isn't here. She left us. And really though, her husband. I can't stop thinking about him and how he must be consumed by grief of never getting to hold his love again.

I am writing on many assumptions but by all means of our electronic relationship says that this was her life. Our conversations were small and focused on particular subjects, nothing about our lives in depth ya know? But nonetheless, my heart feels loss.

I can't help but turn to my own life during this time. Am I living life as I want? If not, why not? Am I happy and making each day count? What if this happens to me? Would I be remembered by others like her? Probably not. Can she make me figure out how to become a better person? Can she hear my longing to understand along side her family and friends so much closer to her than myself? Do you think we get some time to say goodbye in our spirit world? I hope so...

Today, no. No I am not living it up. I am consumed. I want to go out and do all these things in her honor. To show that I will live my life all that much more because hers was taken and all her aspirations and dreams are now held in the memory of those around her. Her unspoken dreams are gone, like ashes thrown out into the world. What if I die tomorrow with all this unfinished business? Unfinished goals, loves, accomplishments. It makes me want to run out and do it all and yet, I am sitting on my computer writing about it because my eyes are filled with tears and my heart hurts for someone that I barely knew. We never know how we impact others. This girl was always so nice. But would she really have been rude to someone she just kind of chatted with on a handful of occasions? This is only coming into question because I wish that I could be more like the person people are talking about on my feed. Happy, smiling, and fun. Loving and maybe even inspiring. I want being nice to come as natural as it did to her. If she could have taught me how.

Can someone teach me how? I want to be her but me. She had every reason to be in this world and to have a long life lived out as beautifully as it seemed to be going. Why doesn't someone like me, someone that fights with negativity, that has problems seeing the upside in things, someone that is unhappy in her current situation.... why wouldn't someone like me be taken instead, to let someone like her go on loving and living in their beautiful world? I'm not saying take me instead. I'm saying, why does it seem that those worthy of living are those that leave and those that aren't as wonderful as people, that don't see light in darkness at all times, are left behind to continue living their life and taking it for granted? Is it because we need more time to get to where that person is? No, many wonderful people remain on this earth. So, I just don't understand.

I'm just blabbing but my brain was swimming with thoughts. I could barely pay attention in my Chemistry lab. Thank you blogger. For letting me get this out as my wonderful, beautiful man in my life would probably have been extremely overwhelmed if I blabbered out half of the things swimming up in there.

"I may not be a mother, but I'm still a person"

by Helen Carroll from theguardian.com

I found this article. Keep in mind this article was written by a woman who was married, planned on having children, and wasn't hoping to be childless. This is not me in that sense but I still feel what she feels and therefore, this article is pretty much accurate, despite that I don't fully meet the description.

You can look up the full article but this is where I found the most sense. Also, this is all probably coming to surface because of the area I live in and the lack of friends and contact due to this motherhood thing. Everyone has babies, wants babies, and doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to get babies! Maybe even because one of my friends is trying ot get pregnant and while I am so so so very excited for her and will want to meet her minime... it saddens me to know what may be ahead.... I'm still confident in her assurances of this not happening. I just think that it is natura to have the shift in priorities and she will be an amazing mother so she will have to succumb to some of these truths. And so will I. 

"A fifth of women are child-free, why do we feel so peripheral, so shut out? Perhaps – despite decades of feminism – it's because there's an assumption that the only truly worthwhile job a woman can do is to raise children. Jennifer Leonard, a chartered psychologist and parenting coach, agrees that mothers of young children gravitate towards one another. "Once you have children, your priorities change and your interests alter," she says. "The result is that mothers tend to seek out reassurance about their parenting from one another. It's a growing trend, partly because we don't have the extended families around who used to provide that kind of support. Women who don't have children are in a minority, so as more of their friends have babies and build mummy networks, they can end up feeling sidelined."

The division between mothers and me was brought home at a party recently, organised by the mother of one of my goddaughters. Many of the guests were friends I hadn't seen for a long time. But when I tried to chat, telling them what I was up to, they couldn't concentrate on what I was saying.

I saw panic in their eyes, as if they didn't know how to have a conversation that wasn't about their offspring. OK, their children were there, too, so they were looking out for them at the same time and maybe their inability to concentrate results from years of having to do lots of things at once. However, I couldn't help but feel I was bothering them by talking about something other than their children. I was happy to listen to tales of potty training, broken nights and teenage hormones. I appreciate what pressures they are under and what a difficult job mothering has become. But when these mums began comparing notes about their youngsters, I felt completely excluded.

They are a very broadminded crowd and I don't think they consciously left me out. It's just that our interests are now very different – we no longer have things in common. Eventually, I drifted away and ended up chatting with the men, who were happy to talk about things other thanfamily life. But feeling increasingly lonely, and somehow not quite a fully fledged woman, I left early.

I discovered later that I had been invited as an afterthought, when my ex-husband asked why I wasn't on the guest list. This was hurtful, but not surprising, as I've missed out on invitations before. It's not, I believe, that my friends don't want me around any more, simply that their lives as parents, wage-earners and partners leaves them with no time for anything other than family-focused socialising, often arranged at the school gates. They bear me no ill will – I have simply dropped out of their world and their minds.

When I asked my good friend Jo if she viewed me differently to her mummy friends, she admitted that, while happy to meet for dinner, she would leave me off the guest list when hosting parties."

I end the article here because the rest didn't meet my m/o but you get the point. Your thoughts? The article itself had 209 comments to date so it is curious what others may think. 

Do we like each other?

Maybe when we first get together, we aren't the real us. And when th real us meets the real them, we are t sure if they like each other or not. 

Words from a 28 year old. Or a nearly 30 year old. Perhaps a 20 something. 

Late twenties. 

First dinner date of silence. I can hear my own breath. And I bet he would've given me his jacket if we were both cold and only had 1 jacket. When it was the beginning. 

Those first thre years of bliss. 

But the memory is distorted. Perhaps in a few years I will think the first 5 years were blissful. 

Before the engagement, there was 3 years of bliss and 1ish years of th real us. And now we are in the 4.5 range. So where do we to from here?

Memories are effected by sounds, perceptions. What was important. For me, what hurt and what didn't. So, distorted. 

He can sing. He still doesn't sing in front of me. Or he no longer does. I'm not sure. 

I wish he would sing to me like he used to instead of tell me how I can do this better. How I mess that up and what I should do next time. What's wrong with how I do this. Because he is perfection with a penis right?

granted. in this .5 years part of everything ,we moved. and to be honest, it has really tested us. i hope we make it but we aren't making any more money than we were in athens and the strain of that and this magical vacation/ceremony we are going to have hasn't really made things any easier. we drink a lot more now. and by a lot... i mean A LOT more. 

marriage is going to be hard. 

i wonder what other people think during this period. i guess a lot of people do things a lott quicker. so maybe they are still in their bliss stage? or they are so far bpast it they learned to live with each other beyond financial strain and moving. all in all it doesn't matter. because everyone has their own experiences and no ones relationship compares to anothers. prior histories are to play, families and how one grew up is to be figured in. {sigh} so complicated. 

sometimes i wish i could cry. and then the next day comes and i'm over it. strange how quickly our feelings and minds recooporate if we will let them.

so, changing the subject, i have learned a lot over the past 2 months to 2 years about myself. and about others.

i'm not the daughter that my parents want me to be. despite their huge influence on me, they like the person ai was in high school. not who i have become now that i am on my own. but i am effecting them now that i am here. or i would like to think i am. i dunno. that's how i feel today. everything is temporary. 

i am not tolerant of people. despite my "open mind" trait. I am not open minded to the ptype of people around me in the town i am in now. its hard. i am trying to be tolerable. i have to bullshit a lot of my responses. it's like learning to be fake 24/7. it's very difficult. i am associated with my family and therefore i am supposed to be just like them. i'm supposed to want to hunt, not like certain ethnicities, and think slow talkers are sexy and appealing. big trucks with their mud tires are supposed to be sexy and women aren't to curse or be around cursing. Women are to be in the home with the kids. personal wellbeing and health is in the minority and 5ks are king, along with treadmills and other cardio machines for the same women that haave been doing them for years and think they are working off that pizza, chickfila, and applees they ate during the week. lunch beaks, or eating regularly, means having mcdonalds or not taking a break. tattoos are incredibly cool, especially the confederate flag, georgia boys, red neck tatoos or tribals for the military boys. 

so, i am not tolerant. i wish i were. i am tolerant of anyone that is different from these people. so therefore, i am intolerant and prejudice toewards those that fit into those molds. i hate it but i don't know how to change it. 

i miss being in a place that people don't know who i am or what kind of mpeople my family members are. i don't feel like i fit into my family. not in a while but i did have fun at christmas this year. i don't fit into my fiance's family either. in fact, i would actually rather not accompany him in the future to his dad's house. how terrible am i?

my dogs are my life and yet, i have to unfortunately acknowledge that at least 3 times i have dreded coming home to deal with them because that is the issue. i have to deal with them. 4 dogs.... so demanding. they all need and want constant attention. but they are my heart. how does that make sense. animals are my heart. i wish i could help them all and yet very rarely, i wish it were just me and as soon as i see them, i forget the thought and love them more. they are my babies. 

five. that's the number of drinks he has had so far tonight. we still aren't talking. awesome. 

i hate this house. i thought i would like smaller. "simplier" i thought. a downsize. get rid of things. keep what we use and needs. come to find out, it's not me. I feel cramped and like i am suffocating. and i know the dogs do too. i wish i could get them out of here. they are bored and so am i.

hiccups. so funny. poor little one (aka kekoa) he has the hiccups lol)

i have to pee. brb. (yikes, remember those days? brb on icq.... if you are lost, then don't ask. before your time or maybe you just didn't have a computer at home. totally understandable. i'm not old. 

bitch.

you thought i was old. 

okay seriously... 

and there he goes with that mouth again. 

mine isnt' any better. i just need to check mine more. his is unfiltered because it has to do with his godforsaken game. i swear. i would give up my phone to just have him never play these games again. but that wont happen so easy for me to say right?

but really, bathroom break. 

The South.

On Facebook I see all these prideful southerners singing the south's praises. 

And when I see it I wonder what south do they live in that I don't?

The progress between whites and everyone else is anything but progressive. Women are still talked to like the dumb ass she was at 13 but looked at, googled, complimented even, but also barked at like we are meat and they are hyenas. 

EVERYONE, males and females call you sugar, honey, baby, sweetheart, and darlin. It's worse when you're younger and remotely attractive but don't let that fool you. It occurs to all ages and races. I find it completely insulting. 

The bull that men (and literally I mean the males) call business is so full shit on a daily basis you would think it's a broken record. It would cost less time and money to just say what you need and let everyone move on. 

Many many many people smoke. 

Anger is on speed dial

Health concerns are on the back burner of course. "If it ain't broken then why fix it" approach.

Always a pleasure  hearing the white people immitate the different accents that come through here. Anything different is worth making fun of and the book is most definitely judged by its cover before it walks in the door. What really blows is 8/10 the call was on que... I wish it werent.