"I may not be a mother, but I'm still a person"

by Helen Carroll from theguardian.com

I found this article. Keep in mind this article was written by a woman who was married, planned on having children, and wasn't hoping to be childless. This is not me in that sense but I still feel what she feels and therefore, this article is pretty much accurate, despite that I don't fully meet the description.

You can look up the full article but this is where I found the most sense. Also, this is all probably coming to surface because of the area I live in and the lack of friends and contact due to this motherhood thing. Everyone has babies, wants babies, and doesn't understand why you wouldn't want to get babies! Maybe even because one of my friends is trying ot get pregnant and while I am so so so very excited for her and will want to meet her minime... it saddens me to know what may be ahead.... I'm still confident in her assurances of this not happening. I just think that it is natura to have the shift in priorities and she will be an amazing mother so she will have to succumb to some of these truths. And so will I. 

"A fifth of women are child-free, why do we feel so peripheral, so shut out? Perhaps – despite decades of feminism – it's because there's an assumption that the only truly worthwhile job a woman can do is to raise children. Jennifer Leonard, a chartered psychologist and parenting coach, agrees that mothers of young children gravitate towards one another. "Once you have children, your priorities change and your interests alter," she says. "The result is that mothers tend to seek out reassurance about their parenting from one another. It's a growing trend, partly because we don't have the extended families around who used to provide that kind of support. Women who don't have children are in a minority, so as more of their friends have babies and build mummy networks, they can end up feeling sidelined."

The division between mothers and me was brought home at a party recently, organised by the mother of one of my goddaughters. Many of the guests were friends I hadn't seen for a long time. But when I tried to chat, telling them what I was up to, they couldn't concentrate on what I was saying.

I saw panic in their eyes, as if they didn't know how to have a conversation that wasn't about their offspring. OK, their children were there, too, so they were looking out for them at the same time and maybe their inability to concentrate results from years of having to do lots of things at once. However, I couldn't help but feel I was bothering them by talking about something other than their children. I was happy to listen to tales of potty training, broken nights and teenage hormones. I appreciate what pressures they are under and what a difficult job mothering has become. But when these mums began comparing notes about their youngsters, I felt completely excluded.

They are a very broadminded crowd and I don't think they consciously left me out. It's just that our interests are now very different – we no longer have things in common. Eventually, I drifted away and ended up chatting with the men, who were happy to talk about things other thanfamily life. But feeling increasingly lonely, and somehow not quite a fully fledged woman, I left early.

I discovered later that I had been invited as an afterthought, when my ex-husband asked why I wasn't on the guest list. This was hurtful, but not surprising, as I've missed out on invitations before. It's not, I believe, that my friends don't want me around any more, simply that their lives as parents, wage-earners and partners leaves them with no time for anything other than family-focused socialising, often arranged at the school gates. They bear me no ill will – I have simply dropped out of their world and their minds.

When I asked my good friend Jo if she viewed me differently to her mummy friends, she admitted that, while happy to meet for dinner, she would leave me off the guest list when hosting parties."

I end the article here because the rest didn't meet my m/o but you get the point. Your thoughts? The article itself had 209 comments to date so it is curious what others may think. 

Do we like each other?

Maybe when we first get together, we aren't the real us. And when th real us meets the real them, we are t sure if they like each other or not. 

Words from a 28 year old. Or a nearly 30 year old. Perhaps a 20 something. 

Late twenties. 

First dinner date of silence. I can hear my own breath. And I bet he would've given me his jacket if we were both cold and only had 1 jacket. When it was the beginning. 

Those first thre years of bliss. 

But the memory is distorted. Perhaps in a few years I will think the first 5 years were blissful. 

Before the engagement, there was 3 years of bliss and 1ish years of th real us. And now we are in the 4.5 range. So where do we to from here?

Memories are effected by sounds, perceptions. What was important. For me, what hurt and what didn't. So, distorted. 

He can sing. He still doesn't sing in front of me. Or he no longer does. I'm not sure. 

I wish he would sing to me like he used to instead of tell me how I can do this better. How I mess that up and what I should do next time. What's wrong with how I do this. Because he is perfection with a penis right?

granted. in this .5 years part of everything ,we moved. and to be honest, it has really tested us. i hope we make it but we aren't making any more money than we were in athens and the strain of that and this magical vacation/ceremony we are going to have hasn't really made things any easier. we drink a lot more now. and by a lot... i mean A LOT more. 

marriage is going to be hard. 

i wonder what other people think during this period. i guess a lot of people do things a lott quicker. so maybe they are still in their bliss stage? or they are so far bpast it they learned to live with each other beyond financial strain and moving. all in all it doesn't matter. because everyone has their own experiences and no ones relationship compares to anothers. prior histories are to play, families and how one grew up is to be figured in. {sigh} so complicated. 

sometimes i wish i could cry. and then the next day comes and i'm over it. strange how quickly our feelings and minds recooporate if we will let them.

so, changing the subject, i have learned a lot over the past 2 months to 2 years about myself. and about others.

i'm not the daughter that my parents want me to be. despite their huge influence on me, they like the person ai was in high school. not who i have become now that i am on my own. but i am effecting them now that i am here. or i would like to think i am. i dunno. that's how i feel today. everything is temporary. 

i am not tolerant of people. despite my "open mind" trait. I am not open minded to the ptype of people around me in the town i am in now. its hard. i am trying to be tolerable. i have to bullshit a lot of my responses. it's like learning to be fake 24/7. it's very difficult. i am associated with my family and therefore i am supposed to be just like them. i'm supposed to want to hunt, not like certain ethnicities, and think slow talkers are sexy and appealing. big trucks with their mud tires are supposed to be sexy and women aren't to curse or be around cursing. Women are to be in the home with the kids. personal wellbeing and health is in the minority and 5ks are king, along with treadmills and other cardio machines for the same women that haave been doing them for years and think they are working off that pizza, chickfila, and applees they ate during the week. lunch beaks, or eating regularly, means having mcdonalds or not taking a break. tattoos are incredibly cool, especially the confederate flag, georgia boys, red neck tatoos or tribals for the military boys. 

so, i am not tolerant. i wish i were. i am tolerant of anyone that is different from these people. so therefore, i am intolerant and prejudice toewards those that fit into those molds. i hate it but i don't know how to change it. 

i miss being in a place that people don't know who i am or what kind of mpeople my family members are. i don't feel like i fit into my family. not in a while but i did have fun at christmas this year. i don't fit into my fiance's family either. in fact, i would actually rather not accompany him in the future to his dad's house. how terrible am i?

my dogs are my life and yet, i have to unfortunately acknowledge that at least 3 times i have dreded coming home to deal with them because that is the issue. i have to deal with them. 4 dogs.... so demanding. they all need and want constant attention. but they are my heart. how does that make sense. animals are my heart. i wish i could help them all and yet very rarely, i wish it were just me and as soon as i see them, i forget the thought and love them more. they are my babies. 

five. that's the number of drinks he has had so far tonight. we still aren't talking. awesome. 

i hate this house. i thought i would like smaller. "simplier" i thought. a downsize. get rid of things. keep what we use and needs. come to find out, it's not me. I feel cramped and like i am suffocating. and i know the dogs do too. i wish i could get them out of here. they are bored and so am i.

hiccups. so funny. poor little one (aka kekoa) he has the hiccups lol)

i have to pee. brb. (yikes, remember those days? brb on icq.... if you are lost, then don't ask. before your time or maybe you just didn't have a computer at home. totally understandable. i'm not old. 

bitch.

you thought i was old. 

okay seriously... 

and there he goes with that mouth again. 

mine isnt' any better. i just need to check mine more. his is unfiltered because it has to do with his godforsaken game. i swear. i would give up my phone to just have him never play these games again. but that wont happen so easy for me to say right?

but really, bathroom break. 

The South.

On Facebook I see all these prideful southerners singing the south's praises. 

And when I see it I wonder what south do they live in that I don't?

The progress between whites and everyone else is anything but progressive. Women are still talked to like the dumb ass she was at 13 but looked at, googled, complimented even, but also barked at like we are meat and they are hyenas. 

EVERYONE, males and females call you sugar, honey, baby, sweetheart, and darlin. It's worse when you're younger and remotely attractive but don't let that fool you. It occurs to all ages and races. I find it completely insulting. 

The bull that men (and literally I mean the males) call business is so full shit on a daily basis you would think it's a broken record. It would cost less time and money to just say what you need and let everyone move on. 

Many many many people smoke. 

Anger is on speed dial

Health concerns are on the back burner of course. "If it ain't broken then why fix it" approach.

Always a pleasure  hearing the white people immitate the different accents that come through here. Anything different is worth making fun of and the book is most definitely judged by its cover before it walks in the door. What really blows is 8/10 the call was on que... I wish it werent. 

Reflections from a nearly 30 year old....

Things that I have learned thus far...

People say you are more like your parents than you realize. And you try so hard to be you and not them. Despite what you try and so many people saying that you are just like them... I have now realized that I am like that. I'm 28. Yep. It took this long but a part of me is still in denial. We will see how long it will be that it lasts.

The old movies that you have heard about are truly worth watching. Despite the terrible quality and strange culture relationship roles.. even if you hate it, they are a great conversation piece. I have watched the original "Miracle on 34th Street", "Breakfast at Tiffany's", "White Christmas", "How to Marry a Millionaire", just a few titles as of late. Right now I am watching "Charade". Another fox dumb blonde shennanigan. Still.... interesting that the men would send the women off with the children in the summer. I would like to know who started that, why, and then, why did it go away? Sounds great... unless you have kids lol but either way.

So many people, like Marilyn Monroe, have become idolized. But why? I haven't actually seen any movies about her. "How to Marry a Millionaire" shows her in the "dumb blonde" role. What is to idolize about that, but that enticed me to find out more and therefore, I now know that she tried to get out of those roles  but felt trapped with Fox... and how troubled she really was.... a much different life that I could ever imagine. And so dreamy and lonely I'm sure.

Old habits really do die hard. I am in the mist of killing the last of a terribly bad habit and I won't comment on what just now but do know that a temporary relapse of a negative behavior is bound to occur but don't let it own you.

I don't understand my father and he doesn't understand me. But I love him dearly.

I feel like a little puppy trying to be apart of my sister's life. Oddly I feel like the little sister trying to get her attention. It's strange. Maybe it's just the age and she will come around :) I hope....

I won't comment on my mother. She will always be beautiful to me and one day I will figure our relationships out. Maybe. ;)

Four dogs is too many. But I have them now. lol. And I love them. I think they keep me grounded. Which, I would say is the downside. 

A different area of the down side, you can work hard but that doesn't mean you are going to be successful one day. Just means you work hard.

On the up side, I guess you always think that you are working towards a goal... right?

Leaving a light on really doesn't burn that much electricity... ie add to your bill. It's all in the heat and air.

I don't really like coffee. I never have. It has to be made just perfectly. I'm not good at even making my own coffee perfectly so the majority of my cups of coffee are just gross. I don't know how people love this stuff. And yet, why do I still drink it? Maybe its the socialization. Conditioning. Or maybe, it's for that one perfect cup out of all the shitty ones that just keeps me coming back for more.