I come to the screen with an aching heart over so much and so little.
It's confusing but when I get sensitive about something, it all seems to cave in around me and everything starts to cause my heart to get heavier. It started with newsfeed. Oh yes. It did. But it continued with more stories of the celebrity that overdosed. Sad indeed. I did think he was gifted and unique. Then to multiple stories of animals being discarded and how they react. Animals know when bad things happen. They aren't "just a dog" or "Just a cat". They know when life and death is among them and they respond as such. It's utterly heart-breaking what media has brought light onto in animal treatment for me. But these were all just the extra straws thrown on top of the camel after the back was broken. No, no what all this is really about is my newsfeed.
It started with a terribly odd post on my facebook feed that was discrete enough that I was confused about and it seemed to indicate that someone that I went to high school with, that I really didn't fully know was no longer with us. However, I tried to find some other evidence of this but failed to confirm. I shrugged it off. I hoped that it was wrong. It couldn't be. This 'stranger' was not a stranger. She was my facebook friend. Right? We had spoken now and again. We almost met up once, before she moved. And we had common interests, wrote on each other's posts sometimes, or liked something each other had shared. So there is our connection. Probably one of the few people I had associated with since high school and yet, we had never really conversed much in high school. No surprise. Big school. Different interests at the time. I actually knew her sister more.... but not by much. And yet we were and we are connected. And we aren't. It's a strange world we live in with electronic relationships.
But no, I was wrong. She had gone. She left this world and left her family behind and her life is gone. For all intensive purposes, she is living the dream. Married since high school, looked amazing in all her pictures, very happy, having fun, enjoying life. If I wanted to actually evaluate her life based on her facebook, I would have been jealous. Living it up and in love with herself, her life, her family, husband, and the direction her life was taking her. She had wonderful style, living in California. Man can I go there? Can I trade places? Oh but wait, she isn't here. She left us. And really though, her husband. I can't stop thinking about him and how he must be consumed by grief of never getting to hold his love again.
I am writing on many assumptions but by all means of our electronic relationship says that this was her life. Our conversations were small and focused on particular subjects, nothing about our lives in depth ya know? But nonetheless, my heart feels loss.
I can't help but turn to my own life during this time. Am I living life as I want? If not, why not? Am I happy and making each day count? What if this happens to me? Would I be remembered by others like her? Probably not. Can she make me figure out how to become a better person? Can she hear my longing to understand along side her family and friends so much closer to her than myself? Do you think we get some time to say goodbye in our spirit world? I hope so...
Today, no. No I am not living it up. I am consumed. I want to go out and do all these things in her honor. To show that I will live my life all that much more because hers was taken and all her aspirations and dreams are now held in the memory of those around her. Her unspoken dreams are gone, like ashes thrown out into the world. What if I die tomorrow with all this unfinished business? Unfinished goals, loves, accomplishments. It makes me want to run out and do it all and yet, I am sitting on my computer writing about it because my eyes are filled with tears and my heart hurts for someone that I barely knew. We never know how we impact others. This girl was always so nice. But would she really have been rude to someone she just kind of chatted with on a handful of occasions? This is only coming into question because I wish that I could be more like the person people are talking about on my feed. Happy, smiling, and fun. Loving and maybe even inspiring. I want being nice to come as natural as it did to her. If she could have taught me how.
Can someone teach me how? I want to be her but me. She had every reason to be in this world and to have a long life lived out as beautifully as it seemed to be going. Why doesn't someone like me, someone that fights with negativity, that has problems seeing the upside in things, someone that is unhappy in her current situation.... why wouldn't someone like me be taken instead, to let someone like her go on loving and living in their beautiful world? I'm not saying take me instead. I'm saying, why does it seem that those worthy of living are those that leave and those that aren't as wonderful as people, that don't see light in darkness at all times, are left behind to continue living their life and taking it for granted? Is it because we need more time to get to where that person is? No, many wonderful people remain on this earth. So, I just don't understand.
I'm just blabbing but my brain was swimming with thoughts. I could barely pay attention in my Chemistry lab. Thank you blogger. For letting me get this out as my wonderful, beautiful man in my life would probably have been extremely overwhelmed if I blabbered out half of the things swimming up in there.
